Monday, December 22, 2008

Loving Two?

In a survey I recently conducted I asked 100 men and women, “Is it possible to be ‘in love’ with two people simultaneously?”

The answer…drum roll please…a resounding, NO!

Sixty-six percent of women who took the survey do not believe it is possible to equally divide their emotions and desires between more than one people, while twenty-two percent of women believe it is possible to love two at the same time. Forty-five percent of men agreed that it is impossible to be “in love” simultaneously, while fifty-five percent believe it is possible. Twelve percent of women straddled the fence, declaring that they were very unsure, but indicated that a simultaneous love affair is contingent upon the men involved. There were no uncertainties indicated by men.

Ninety-five percent of people offered an explanation for their answers, while a smaller percent chose to define being “in love”. Some believed that there is a distinct difference between “loving” someone and being "in love" with someone, while others concluded, potato vs. potato...semantics. A higher percentage of explanations came from women, while of the smaller percentage of folks who did not render an explanation most were men.

What I found to be particularly interesting about this survey is, not one person broached the issue of cheating. It seemed like that word was taboo. Therefore, whether you agree or disagree that it is possible to be “in love” with two people simultaneously, does that behavior not constitute cheating? Hmmm...

Nonetheless, in no particular order, here are a few written responses I received.

“Now this is just my personal opinion, but I would have to say— absolutely not! When you are truly in love with someone, he is all you think about. You have absolutely no interest in spending time with anyone else. You don't even see other men, well not in that way, when you are really in love. So to be completely emotionally committed to two people at the same time is not even remotely possible. You can not give one hundred percent to two people simultaneously; it’s just not a mathematical possibility!”

“You can love a person that may never come to fruition and move on to another that you learn to love and that first love can still stay in your heart.”
“Yes it is possible to love two people at the same time.

I was once in love with a man because of the way I felt when he hugged me everyday at work and the fact that he was so unselfish to share a hug with a friend; then at the same time I was in love with another man who I was intimately involved with. It's been almost 9 years since that time and today and I can honestly say I still love them both for those feelings that overwhelmed me when I was with each.”

“Loving two? Well, I've had exes that I've remained close to even when we were both seeing other people. Strangely, while the emotional bond wasn't broken, our ability to live under the same roof was non-existent.
I've also had girlfriends and close personal friends whom I loved in completely different ways: One was more physical-based while the other was more of a union formed by two confidantes.

I think sometimes having difficulty moving on, or realizing your well has run dry can be mistaken for a continuation of love.

There is one woman who I will always love, a very close friend. It's not a physical thing, but we're always there for each other no matter what. In fact, a couple of my ex's are jealous of the fact that I'm closer to her than them.In short, I think you can love two--in different ways, and you can also be intimate with two--but that ain't necessarily love.”

“I have seen a lot of men play games with a bunch of women and it never works out. Someone is going to get hurt.”

“You can only have one wonderful person in your life at a time.”

“Yes, one can, but never in the same manner. I don't believe. I find that I have some inner switches that can change depending on who’s present to accommodate them, and vice versa. But if I had to say do I love one more than the other the answer would be, yes. But it would be a close race, nonetheless. The reality is: you can love 2 people, but those 2 people won't let you continue to love 2. It can be hectic.”

“Is it possible to be in love with more than one person simultaneously? I would have to say absolutely and unequivocally YES!!! I don't believe that there is just ONE Mr. or Mrs. Right in this lifetime. I'm very monogamous, but I do believe that it is possible to love more than one person at a time, although the degree of love varies. Heartbreaking...but possible! While I believe that this is possible, I don't agree that one should always act on it. It may need to be your best kept secret. I have personally loved 2 people at the same time. Or I should correct that. I had love for 2 people at the same time, though I didn't act on it. The love was still there. I believe that if you ever truly love a person and especially if you two grew in the relationship and that person became a part of your being, than that love doesn't die. It may diminish, but it doesn't die. Sometimes, timing is just bad. Or you didn't realize what you had until after the fact, and now you have love for the old love and the new love because there is unfinished business there between you and the past love.”

Survey conducted by Denrique Preudhomme


Anonymous said...

...“Is it possible to be in love with more than one person simultaneously? I would have to say absolutely and unequivocally YES!!! I don't believe that there is just ONE Mr. or Mrs. Right in this lifetime...

I agree with this person (the last entry). I'm not surprised at the variousness of responses. After all, we are not homogeneous. Our family, community, faith play a big part in our "values." In a lifetime, we have to remember that word, many things can happen and many people seep into our hearts. Are they saying that if that one person they love so dearly died and they remarried, it would void that first feeling? I don't think so. Perhaps the word "love" is being misunderstood here. I think a deep love is a blessing no matter how it ends and it's not being disrespectful to the present love.

I think one example is a marriage between a widow and a person who has not been married or a person who has been divorced, that love for the deceased is understood.

Great survey.
Minnie E

Anonymous said...

There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Is it a romantic love or an affinity for somone you have no plans on being with? Let's say you had one kidney to surrunder do you give it to the one you love or the one you are in love with? LOL (The assumption is we are talking non-blood relatives here). Usually when people have "two loves" it's because niether of the two have all that you are looking for or that you are willing to accept living without. At that point it's time to be honest with yourself..

Anonymous said...

well as female it would be natural to love a single person because we are receivers and attach emotions to our thinking. male would not attach so much feeling to love and naturally may be able to express it with more than one individual. (i.e. bisexuals)

Yvonne S said...

I would like to send thanks out to Minnie, for understanding my comments. Mine, was the last entry on the blog. Just a little clarification though. I, personally don't think that it's possible to be"in love" with more than one person at the same time. But what I was saying is that I definitely think that it is possible to have romantic love for more than one person at the same time. We, as women know that there is a difference between being "in love" and just flat out "loving" someone. But for those that don't know: The state of being "in love" is euphoric....but can be fleeting. Loving someone, on the other hand is more lasting. Couples that have been married for 25, 50 years aren't necessarily "in love" with each other. But they have a great deal of love for each other. And that has sustained them. I have loved more than one person at the same time. My past love ended, due to bad timing, and just maturity issues. But the love was sooo deep. I found a new love and although I truly loved this person, I still very much loved my "ex". And it wasn't that I couldn't move on, I just think that sometimes you have that one great love in your life that's always in your spirit, no matter where you go. So needless to say, I loved them both. However, I was "in love" with one of them and I had a "deep love" for the other. I think it's next to impossible though be "in love" simultaneously with more than one person. Unless you're a teenager. And we know how long that can last. lol!